♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
Careful. You break it, you buy it.
Uh-huh. And what would I be buying, exactly?
Ah! That's enough out of you, Dr. Questions.
Whoa.
That's...
She's beautiful.
And she'll be here momentarily.
Wait, do I know her?
I'll give you one hint.
It's Jessica.
Bud's girlfriend from college? Does he know that you still see her?
Of course he does. I just haven't told him.
- Well, isn't that a little weird? - Why? Bud still sees my ex.
Hey!
Oh, look at you!
Oh, I am so excited to see this.
Hey, I'm Jessica.
Oh, um...
Uh, I'm Coyote.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
The last time I saw you, you had long hair
and had just woken up in a Long John Silver's
with cake in your pocket.
That was the same day I got fired from Long John Silver's.
He's come a long way since then.
- I can see. - Thanks.
I'll be sober ten years in six years.
I'm impressed, minus four.
Well, how impressed are we with me?
Oh, whoa!
Uh, that's...
Well, what's wrong?
Oh, no, nothing. It's amazing.
It's just, um...
...you had me pose like Wonder Woman for eight hours.
I was going for empowering, but turns out, I can't do elbows.
Uh, it's a shame, though, 'cause I'm cracker jack at knockers.
Okay, can I just say... I love it.
Oh.
It is, uh... way bigger than I remember, though.
Well, I-I can help you out with it.
- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.
I just, um, hope it fits in my car.
Oh, don't worry.
Coyote's a master at fitting big things into small places.
We all heard it, right?
We all heard that?
Yep.
The results weren't exactly what we hoped for.
Oh, my God.
Is it just in... one... or both of them?
Well, you've only got one.
I'm going to say "no" to that.
Oops.
Wrong pamphlet.
Oh.
Now, we've caught it early, it's indolent,
so it's slow-growing, which is terrific.
- It's terrific? - But it's cancer.
Sol has cancer.
Or if you gave us the wrong pamphlet,
maybe you gave us the wrong blood work, too.
- Are you sure this wasn't Robert's? - Sol.
Not that I want that.
I just think I'd do better dealing with this if you had it.
Sol, I want you to think of your prostate
like this walnut.
You've got a funky walnut. That's all.
It's fairly common at your age.
So, what's the game plan? What do we do now?
Well, there's surgery, but that can be risky any time you go under.
Then afterwards, with infections, yada yada.
Loss of sexual function.
There's radiation, that whole megillah.
Or we keep a good check on it,
and you do whatever you want with no change at all.
Do nothing?
Well, so he can keep doing everything.
The good news is, at your age,
something else will probably kill you first.
Do you understand the term "good news"?
Hold on. So you would tell someone who's 50 to have the surgery, yes?
Absolutely.
- And 60? - Same.
Sol, you're 75.
You're about my age, what would you do?
Look, I smoke two packs a day. I'm surprised I made it to work today.
And I'm not feeling so great.
Maybe I'll go home early.
So I'd let it ride.
But you're a healthy guy, and it's your walnut.
Knock-knock.
Well, that feels weird.
Well, don't you look like a piece of hot biscuit?
Well, thanks.
I've just joined a new Pilates class, so, uh, I only have a few minutes.
That's all I need.
So, what is this revolutionary thing you need me to see?
I've been thinking about your problem,
the one where I was the Han Solo to your Princess Stuck-on-the-Can?
Oh, quit calling me that!
Calm down, Princess Stuck-on-the-Can.
No one will ever call you that again, and let me show you why.
Grace, they have toilets today that do everything.
They light up, they have quiet-close lids, built-in bidets.
But it's everything except what could really help you.
I am really all good.
I've even come up with a name you will love.
The Bottoms Up.
- Hate it. - Happy you asked.
I've developed a way for it to gently lift you
with the simple touch of a button.
Uh, before you say anything, we just need a seat belt.
Before you say anything, goodbye.
Look, so there's a few kinks to work out.
That's why I need you. For kinks.
Well, you might try hydraulics as opposed to springs.
Hydraulics, that's good. Maybe I talk to my mechanic, LuAnne.
You're not serious about this.
Oh, this is a good idea, right?
For what, to get over a medieval wall?
No, as a new business for us.
Let's get the band back together.
Oh, also, we should start a band.
Frankie, this is the last thing I want to even think about.
- A band? - No! All of this.
But all of this is to help people like you get off the can
without having to lasso some stupid sculpture.
Well, I'm helping myself.
After a month of Pilates, I'm not gonna need any sculpture.
So would you just put this toilet thing to bed?
Oh.
If you say the words "toilet bed," I am out of here.
I was gonna say...
"napper crapper."
Bye... forever.
Bye to you, Princess Stuck-on-the-Can.
I think this works.
I think so, too. We did good.
I think your mom might be my favorite person on the planet.
I don't know, have you met Derrick at Trader Joe's?
Seriously.
When I first met her, I remember this instant connection.
I also tried to figure out how that woman raised a Bud.
Oh.
Oh, no, not in a bad way. They're just so different.
- Yeah. - You know, she's all, "Let it flow,"
and Bud's more...
Stop the flow. Plan the flow. Worry about the flow.
Exactly.
You definitely seem more like a Frankie kid. To me.
Well, is that why you and Bud broke up? Too different?
We were never all that serious. It was a college thing.
You know, you're up late studying, you're slurping ramen...
It was a nice way to spice up particle physics.
That brings a lot of images of books and sweater vests.
- He's not still rocking those, is he? - No.
But he is still wearing them.
How much farther to your place?
Is your arm tired?
Uh, there's really no way to know.
- Because you can't feel it? Okay. - Because I can't feel it, yeah.
- I'll pull over. - Thank you.
♪ Into the blue ♪
- Whew. - Oh, God. Actually, it's...
It's my neck that's kind of sore.
Hey, give me your hand for a moment.
There's a pressure point to the left of your thumb,
- and if you press gently and rub... - Whoa.
- Right? - Well, that's... It's... It's...
Nope. Breathe through it.
And soon...
- Whoa. - Right?
It's gone.
Wow.
You are something.
Well, you just have to find the right spot.
I have the card for that surgeon the doctor recommended.
- Do you want to hold on to it? - No.
- I'm going to go lie down. - Okay.
With Carl.
Good. That's a good idea.
I know.
- If you want to talk about it... - I don't.
What?
What?!
Oh, Jesus, Frankie!
I thought you were dead here, and now you're alive there.
What the fuck is happening?
Oh, here, sit down, catch your breath.
Dear God, that was frightening.
Oh, it's nice to know I'll be missed when I do end up on the table.
Frankie...
why am I looking at a hideous toilet right now?
Oh, that? It was just a stupid idea I had.
I tried selling Grace on it.
A toilet seat that will raise and lower you.
I mean, if you have trouble with that sort of thing.
But it was a disaster.
Oh, Frankie...
- What's wrong? - Well, it's just if...
If we'd only had this years ago,
my mother would still be alive today.
I don't think that's true.
Do you know how many times I've been terrified that I might end up like her,
in a heap on the floor of the loo?
- That's no way to go, Frankie. - No.
No, but this is brilliant.
I did think there was merit in the original vision.
Of course, Grace hated it.
Oh, pishposh!
Do you know what I see in your future?
Lines out the door at Bed Bath & Beyond.
Grace'll come around.
You're right.
She was wrong about reggae, and she's wrong about this.
Yes.
Oh, thank you.
Grace, we so appreciate getting your thoughts on this new idea we have.
Oh, sure, happy to do it.
Shouldn't we work at the table?
This sofa's so cozy.
I know. I could be on it all day.
I'm so excited to hear what you've cooked up
beyond that inventive dog candy of yours.
Say hello to...
Streak-stensions!
- It's hair. - Extensions.
Streak-stensions. From real cadavers.
Nobody I know, I hope.
They snap-clip, real easy-breeze, and totally kick up a look.
- Oh. - Here, Grace, try this one.
Fun for a bachelorette or when you're out clubbing.
OMG, I love clubbing.
And I totally know what it is.
Yass.
Check it out.
- Really? - Shake it, girl!
Sh... Um...
Well, okay.
I sort of like the way it swings.
Um...
Girls, could you grab my glasses over there on that console?
- Yeah. - Sure.
They must be in the bedroom.
- I know I'm early. - By a day.
But I could not wait for lunch tomorrow
to fill you in on all that's been happening
with our new idea.
Grace, don't move.
Some kind of animal has attached itself to the back of your head,
and it might be the rare ring-tailed lemur.
That's our Streak-stension.
Oh, the girls are here?
- You want to try one? - It's cadavers.
I'll take five. I have a date tonight.
So, what's this idea you're talking about, Frankie?
Actually, it's something Grace and I have been cooking up.
Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no. She cooked. I didn't cook.
Well, come tell us about it.
No, she really has to get going.
No, she doesn't.
And she's gonna need way more snacks.
So...
you'll never "Guess-ica" who I ran into.
- Jessica? You ran into Jessica Gibson? - Uh-huh.
Please tell me she was wearing winter Crocs.
What? No. No, her shoes were nice. And she looked really great, by the way.
- Not helping. - Why?
Because she broke my heart into a thousand pieces, Coyote.
I couldn't walk, I couldn't get out of bed,
and I still would've taken her back because she's just so fucking fantastic.
Wait, seriously? Why do I not remember you feeling this way?
Because you were living at a Long John Silver's
and couldn't feel your teeth.
The worst part was Jessica broke up with me by text.
- Ooh. - And... And...
It was the first text I ever got.
I still remember it word for word.
"It's rover between us. It's not you, it's meat."
Jeez.
I mean, she broke up with me in person a few times before that,
but, you know, still...
Oh.
Well, you know, I-I don't think Jessica knows you feel so...
I'm sorry, did you talk about me with her?
No.
No! No, no, no. It was... It was just a quick pass-by.
- Where? - A car... painting... store.
A car painting store?
I like the smells in there.
I don't even know what I would do if I ever ran into her.
Yeah, but you've got Allison now.
Thank God.
But before Allison...
Jessica...
she had this way of making me feel great about me.
That's a nice quality to be around.
Very true.
A seat for a toilet?
Don't they have those?
Yes, but this one would be different.
For older folks.
Don't they have those?
They do. They do. They have lots of things to help older people.
I mean, much older than us.
Grace, you could never relate to not being able to get off the toilet,
but put yourself in their shuffling, orthopedic shoes a moment.
Eighty-one percent of falls occur for older people in the bathroom.
This is sad.
Could we wrap this up? I have to do clubbing.
You know what's not sad, I-Forget-Your-Name?
A toilet seat that can give a little lift to your day
and keep you from dying.
Oh, now we're dying?
Yes, Joan-Margaret's mother...
Well, I'll let her tell you that. Where is JM?
Oh, I think she went to the bathroom.
- Joan-Margaret? - Oh, God.
Mayday! Mayday!
Grace, how do you manage with this crazy-low thing?
Pilates. Not a problem.
Okay, let's not hang out in here.
Come on.
You wanted snacks. I got snacks for you.
Well, what are you doing?
How about explaining to the two of us how "not a problem" this is?
Oh, come on, Frankie.
I was having a good day, working out, hanging with the girls.
And then you and Joan-Margaret come over and you make me feel...
What? Old?
Yeah, okay?
Yeah.
Wow, you really just said that.
I've found the perfect honeymoon boat trip, the Figawi.
Remember growing up, that fun trip that all the sailboaters did?
From Hyannis to Nantucket.
The Figawi, I've just learned it's called that because it sounds like...
- "Where the fuck are we?" - Yes.
Love that.
Anyway, it's in May, so we should book.
Sol, where the Figawi with the bigger question at hand?
You mean, renting our boat?
Boat?
How can you focus on boats?!
Listen, I've tried to be respectful and give you your space
so you could get over the shock and make the right decision here.
And you know the right decision?
I do. And I called that surgeon
and made an appointment for a consultation before he leaves on a trip to Europe.
By boat, ironically.
Europe. Let's do that, too.
- Sol... - Cancel that appointment.
I'm not having the surgery.
Not now. Maybe never.
We're going to do the Figawi first.
And lots of other things first.
Sol, I know I said how much a honeymoon boat trip meant to me...
Stop. Quality of life is more important to me
than the time I may or may not have left.
But I want you here, in whatever shape, for as long as possible.
This surgery is preventative.
I heard the doctor.
It prevents me from doing everything I want.
Who gets to do everything?
I can swim now, Robert.
And I want to keep on swimming.
And I want to keep on rolling around with Carl
and rolling around with you!
That came out wrong.
Rolling around with you and Carl are very different rolling arounds.
Is that what this is about? Our sex life?
Sol, your health
is far more important to me than that.
It doesn't matter.
It matters to me.
And I don't want to start down this road of losing things.
It's a slippery slope.
And I don't get a say in this?
No.
You don't.
This is my walnut.
I came up with this whole idea to help you.
I'm not asking for help.
But you need it, clearly. And a lot of other people need it, too.
This is a fantastic idea.
Oh, Frankie, there's no "this" to even point to.
This is a fantasy that lives in your head.
Yeah, till we get the hydraulics.
Oh, God, you are relentless!
We love that about me.
And I'm already working on a new name, The Queen Latrine.
Okay, maybe that's not the winner,
but how about The Yes-I-Can Can?
Oh, God, no, you can't-can't. Frankie, this isn't what we do.
This is exactly what we do.
We take an obstacle and we make an opportunity.
Look what we did with the vibrator.
We made our vibrator so women like us could feel young and sexy.
We made our vibrator because of your arthritis.
But the difference is, we didn't make it until you admitted you needed it.
And you didn't have that stupid thing on your head.
Oh, God.
- Oh. - Mayday!
Now she's stuck on the couch.
This place is a death trap.
I know that it's weird to say that I'd love to ask you out,
and I can never ask you out in the same sentence,
over one coffee, but...
It is a first.
It's just...
It's too complicated...
with Bud and his feelings.
- I get it. He's your brother. - Yeah.
He's not still saying I broke up with him by text, is he?
Yeah.
But he walked it back.
Well, this is the mature call.
Agreed.
I don't get that a lot.
But, hey, um...
for the record,
you were into me, right?
Hug goodbye?
Yeah.
I want you to know I'm really impressed by you.
You really turned your life around in a huge way.
Thanks.
Can I give you one last piece of advice?
Yeah.
You're not that guy anymore.
Be confident with who you are now.
Who's that?
A nice guy...
whose arms look really good in that shirt.
Hey, Jess?
Oops.
One, two, three.
Oh.
I know, I know.
You don't have to give me that look.
Oh, God.
We're not taking this all the way to Nantucket, are we?
I doubt I could pedal that far.
This is silly.
No. It's me and you on the water.
And you never even knew this was 20 minutes away.
No idea.
This is all I ever need of a boat ride, Sol.
As long as you're here with me.
I know this is your decision to make,
and I'll respect whatever you want to do.
- Really? - Really.
I want to not have cancer.
I want that, too.
It's all I've wanted since I got that stupid news.
If I could just get some control over this damn thing.
There is some control you have.
Get rid of it.
See how it feels?
Well?
Aside from possibly tearing my rotator cuff, that felt good.
Like a relief.
Like I can live without that walnut.
Sorry, JM, I got depressed, I went to Build-A-Bear.
I built a whole bear family.
JM? Still around?
I'm out here.
Shouldn't you be with your tween friends, Jayden and Craisin?
I've come to apologize.
Would you... Would you sit down, please?
What's going on out here?
When you left the other day, I felt really terrible.
You know, to say that you could ever make me feel old
is just totally unfair, Frankie.
I do a fine job of that... all by myself.
What you were trying to tell me is
the only way you can change how you feel is to do something about it.
I'm very smart that way, Grace. I'm...
I'm our generation's Yoda.
Well, you were right.
It's what we've always done, and it's what I want to do.
♪ Just what makes that little old ant ♪
♪ Think she could move A rubber tree plant ♪
Why is Joan-Margaret singing?
I thought we decided no singing.
Go with it, darling.
♪ Anyone knows an ant can't ♪
♪ Move a rubber tree plant ♪
♪ But she's got high hopes ♪
You didn't.
Hydraulics, baby.
I talked to my mechanic, Pammy.
You two look beautiful.
♪ Whoops, there goes another rubber tree ♪
♪ Whoops, there goes Another rubber tree plant ♪
Ah, if only we had a name!
We're calling it the Rise Up.
Yes!
♪ But he's got high hopes ♪
♪ He's got high hopes ♪
♪ He's got high Apple pie in the sky hopes ♪
♪ So any time you're gettin' low ♪
♪ 'Stead of lettin' go ♪
♪ Just remember that ant ♪
♪ Oops, there goes Another rubber tree plant ♪
Okay, good night!